Of course as soon as things look good and you start to feel like maybe things are actually going the way they should, something comes up. This shouldn’t be a surprise because once you are up you inevitably have to go down. Just like when you are happy you will, eventually, be sad. It’s impossible to be one or the other all of the time.
I received a voice mail today from my doctor’s office telling me they wanted to get me in for my second ultra sound either tomorrow or friday, instead of waiting the two weeks for the one I had scheduled. Ensue instant panic. I immediately called the doctor’s office back to find out what was going on and why I needed to come in so quickly.
I talked to one of the OBGYNs and she said that they weren’t able to get all of the pictures they needed at the initial ultra sound appointment. This I already knew, hence the second appointment that was scheduled in two weeks. Okay, the baby wouldn’t flip over. We knew this already, but why do I need to come back so soon? Apparently one of the tech’s in Portland thinks it looks like my cervix may be funneling and they would like to get more pictures to see if this is actually happening. Que instant panic. I’ve read about funneling and a shortened cervix. Basically it is when your cervix starts to thin prematurely, and sometimes dilate, resulting in preterm labor. It could mean I have an incompetent cervix. If it is happening it’s not good and that was the first thing that went through my head. “This isn’t good.” So I rescheduled my appointment for tomorrow morning.
Then I did the thing we should never do. I went to Google. Then I cried for a good 45 minutes, even though I don’t have any conclusive evidence that I actually have a funneling cervix. Even though they noticed quickly and there are still things we can do to help prevent preterm labor. I still freaked out and had a cry session.
Then when I finally started to feel a little bit better I thought of that god damn room where they do the god damn ultrasounds and how it always seems to bring some sort of bad news with it and started to bawl again. I don’t want to go back to the place where I found out my first baby had stopped growing just to find out my current baby may start to “slip out of my vagina” to put it as I crassly saw it written out somewhere. I love seeing my baby but I hate everything else about that room.
All of this just seems like such a pain in the ass. I am lucky. Unlike a lot of ladies I can get pregnant and I get pregnant fairly easily. However, now I’m starting to wonder if my body can actually handle having babies. After my miscarriage and now this I can’t help but think maybe I’m not supposed to be able to carry children, or maybe it just isn’t supposed to be easy for me. It wasn’t for my mother. She had a still born, a miscarriage, and every one of us (me and my two brothers) were premature. We all tried to come at month 5. My youngest brother was the only one who succeeded, while my mother got a shot for my other brother and I leading us to comply with the rules until month 8. Though my mother was on bed rest from month 5 on with me. Add all this on and it makes me worry even more. Her doctors could never tell her why she was always going into labor in the 5th month (incompetent cervix perhaps?) and now I’m worried that because she doesn’t know that I could have inherited whatever it may have been.
I’ve finally calmed myself down. I talked to a friend who went through the same thing a few months ago just to go back and find out that her cervix was “perfect” and that the scans had just looked off because the baby was hanging out low and putting some pressure on her cervix. I keep telling myself this to calm down. That and the fact that there isn’t anything I can do at this point except wait and see what tomorrow looks like and take it from there.