Tomorrow will be 12 weeks! We are a week and a day away from being done with the first trimester and giving me something to breathe slightly easier about. I know there are still risks after those first three months, by no means do I expect to be worry free and naive again, but it is nice to be so close to making one of our large stepping stones. I know after that I will still wake up every morning and worry that something will go wrong, has gone wrong, or is going wrong as I think it.
Even before losing my angel I worried irrationally. I always have. I’m also a control freak. I hate it when I don’t know how things will play out. I keep talking to my friend about what will happen in July and August and she just looks at me and tells me I can’t plan everything. The thing is, I know that. Which is why I’ve gone over ever possibility of the way things could go in order to be prepared for them. I’ve seen more than most how a baby doesn’t always do what you want it to. My mother had my little brother when I was 9 years old. He was supposed to be born in September, but he decided he was ready in June. I remember what it was like to have a premie baby around and how unexpected all of that was. I think that is part of what makes me so neurotic when it comes to the end game. I want a plan for every possibility I can think of. I know this is also irrational but it makes me feel a tiny bit better if I think that I have at least something a little bit worked out.
It is awfully early to be thinking about this though, especially not having quite made it to the end of my 12 weeks. The other thing that worries me also has to do with looking back on my mother’s pregnancies. She had 3 miscarriages and a still born. My brother’s and I are all rainbow babies, we all came after some type of loss. I was after the still born and each of them came after a miscarriage. The doctors were never able to tell her what was wrong so I have no idea if it is something that is hereditary or not. I worry about this so often, especially after experiencing my own miscarriage. Mom was always very open with all of us kids about her losses which I think helped me with mine. We’ve always been close but it definitely gave us another bond we wouldn’t have had, unfortunately. It also helped me to feel like talking about my miscarriage, though taboo as it may be, wasn’t going to kill anyone. It helped me get through it and I honestly feel the more people see that it is ok to talk about the less they will treat women they know who have experienced it like pariah’s, even if they don’t mean to do so.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about all of this a lot lately, which sounds like I’ve been super negative but on the contrary I’ve actually felt pretty awesome about everything for the last week or so. I am not feeling sick at all anymore but I am tender above my pubic bone so I can tell that stretching is happening. I can also definitely feel my uterus now. It is like this tight, ball feeling right under my belly but above my pubic bone. I can feel it the most when I’m laying on my side but I noticed at work this week when I sit on the bar stool at the front desk I can really feel it then. I can also feel the pressure when I lay on my back. It isn’t as ball like feeling then but you can tell there is something there.
On the negative side, even though the morning sickness has gone away it has been replaced with headaches. I know they aren’t even that bad but I am not some one who gets headaches that often so even when they are light I’m a huge baby about them. I have a fairly high pain tolerance but I have always been a whiner and complainer when it comes to headaches. I just don’t like them, plain and simple.
In doctor news I’m still waiting on that appointment on Thursday. It’s so much closer, which is making me feel better. I can’t wait to hear my babies heart beat! We didn’t hear it last time, though we got to see it which was pretty fucking awesome in and of itself. Of course when I start to get excited about being able to hear the heart beat I then start to freak myself out thinking about the “what ifs.” “What if we don’t hear anything?” “What if we do hear it but it is too slow/fast?” “What if we don’t hear it and they tell me ‘no biggie that happens’ and don’t do an ultra sound to ease my mind and then there is something wrong but I won’t find out until the next appointment?” That last one is especially nuts I know but I just can’t help it. I think once I get through that appointment I will have a tiny bit of ease. Until I start worrying because I don’t have my next appoint for another month and still haven’t felt the baby move or something crazy, because I know at some point that thought will go through my head too. I suppose I just need to calm down.
Once we get through the appointment I will post my Facebook announcement. I already have it made up, which I am also kind of kicking myself for because I don’t want to get ahead of myself. However, staying positive, right? I have cheesily incorporated my love for the Red Sox into it and plan on posting it here after I post it on Facebook. It’s cliche sure but whatever. I’m excited for my little fan. I’m also already anticipating my uncle’s comment which will be something along the lings of “what if it is a Yankees fan?” because he is a huge Yankees fan and we tease each other about our teams all the time. I plan on telling him I’ll love it the same either way but it’s his job to take it to Yankee Stadium because there is no way my Fenway based feet are placing a step in that evil empire. We’ll see. It should all be good though.
In other words, there are lots of things to look forward to in the next week. Doctors appointments, making it past that first trimester, and finally being able to announce (it gets harder and harder every day to keep this in). For now though I’m going to try to stay calm, positive, and hopeful, because there really isn’t anything else I can do.
– ❤ Sonja