Today is a strange day. I am 4 weeks 6 days, just hours from that 5 week mark so I should be cautiously celebrating. Yet today was also the EDD of my Angel, not so celebratory. It was strange because at times I was sad, at times I was excited, definitely guilty, and at times I was very very nervous.
Lets hit on sad first. Of course I was sad. I should have a brand new bundle of joy with ten tiny little fingers and ten tiny little toes in my arms. I know people rarely have their baby on their due date, and I always thought I would go into labor early, but that baby should be here with my now. On this day. And it’s not. That’s sad. My surprise baby I didn’t realize I even wanted until I saw those two pink lines. Yes my BF and I went through all the options as far as our options for having, or not having, the baby but in my heart I knew as soon as I saw those lines I wasn’t giving him or her up for anyone or anything. Yet I still didn’t end up with him/her in my arms. I think about that baby every single day. I don’t break down like I used to when I think about it, and some days it is a little more fleeting than others, but every day I think about that baby. Every single day. I can’t imagine there will be a day that goes by that I don’t.
Next is excited. I am cautiously optimistic (except for this morning but I’ll get to that) about this baby. Every thing started with such a positive attitude and I am trying to retain that. Some days are definitely harder than others but for the most part I’m taking it day by day and that seems to be working. Also today was the day I shared the news with my mother. She squealed, actually squealed. She is now going to have two grandchildren three months apart from each other. She just wants them to be healthy but I know she would also love for my brother and I to have kids that are opposite genders. Then she would have one grandchild of each. Whatever. I don’t care either way so maybe that will work out for her.
And with the two of those together comes guilt. I felt guilt today for feeling excited about our new baby, like I wasn’t giving our Angel enough attention on their day. This will always be there day, but I don’t know. I can’t explain it. I just felt like I should feel worse. My mother said that maybe the fact that I didn’t meant that I was in a more advanced part of the healing process. She miscarried three times, I trust her. She told me she always misses her angels, and will be sad about them, but it isn’t like it used to be and you can’t dwell on that sadness. I suppose dwelling on that sadness is what we call depression. I also talked to my BFF. The one who miscarried in the summer and then got pregnant and is due in May. She told me to think of my Angel in a positive way. Had I never been pregnant with him/her I wouldn’t have realized I wanted a baby and wouldn’t have started my TTC process which has brought me to this, hopeful, rainbow. I suppose that makes sense too. So I still feel slightly guilty but they have definitely helped ease my feelings a bit.
Lastly, nervousness. It is completely unwarranted at this point. I’ve taken a million tests, all progressing nicely. I took a 2nd digi last Wednesday at 4 week 1day and got a nice blazing “Pregnant 2-3 weeks” which to me indicates that my levels are doubling the way they should. (I am not even going to get started on the appointment I went to on last Tuesday at my local Dr. The one where they told me on the phone “sure we’ll draw your blood. We have you signed up for labs,” but then when I went in they just had me pee on a stick. WTF?? Then when the woman was done she said “do you want me to bring your husband in to see the results?” I just looked at her and said “Uh no. He saw the other five tests I’ve already peed on,” and walked out. I can’t wait to see my real OBGYN on Friday.) However, and maybe it is because of the nature of what today is being my due date, but today I swear I woke up and my boobs weren’t even a little tender. I was slightly nauseous and slightly cramping but no sore boobs and sore boobs have been my biggest symptom so far. Naturally, I freaked out. I took one of my cheap tests and super light line. Of course I wasn’t thinking things through. I knew I had gotten up two hours earlier to pee in the middle of the night but I wasn’t thinking rationally at this point. So I spent the day fondling my boobs to see if they were sore. Later in the day the tenderness definitely came back and then earlier this evening I peed on another cheap test after a 3 1/2 hour hold and blazing lines! Darker than the control, which is perfect. So as far as I can tell I was worrying for nothing. And I did still have those other symptoms. Sometimes I just can’t help the crazy.
So all in all it has been a very emotional roller coaster kind of day for me. Hopefully the doctor’s appointment on Friday will ease my mind a bit. That and the digi I plan on taking on Wednesday… I’ve got a problem. I also can’t wait to see Sally, my nurse practitioner on Friday. She is just a sweet heart of a lady. I love my women’s health office. I have sworn after the way everyone treated me when I lost my Angel that there is no way in hell I would ever go anywhere else. They were all so kind and thoughtful through the entire process. It seems rare to find so many good doctors with equally as good bed side manner in one office. There isn’t anyway I would go anywhere else. Unless of course we moved away!
Until next time!
– ❤ S.