The one thing I’ve been waiting for since I started this blog was for my BFP. I thought there was no way this was the month. We BDed 4 days before I ovulated and two days after. Not prime by any means. Fertility Friend gave me a score of “low”. I’ve been very positive, my SO and I have had a great month. We weren’t fighting, we were taking a break from ATTC and just going with the flow, and in general everything just felt “good.” However, with all of that I wasn’t looking forward to Thanksgiving. I knew that my SIL would be going on and on about her pregnancy and though I’m extremely happy for my brother and her, I also knew I would only be able to listen to so much. I POAS that morning not expecting anything. Looked at it briefly before it had really dried and didn’t see any sign of anything. “BFN,” I thought. No big deal, that was what I expected. I wasn’t even sure why I took the test. Just because it was 9DPO and I figured why not.
On to Thanksgiving and just as I thought. Non-stop pregnancy talk. Annoying, but I dealt. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Especially after I talked to my SIL for a little while. Her and my brother had tried to have a baby for two years. She had been on Clomid for awhile before they decided they were done trying. Low and behold two months later… Baby. So anyway, it was a nice talk about how it can be hard when everyone else around you is having a baby and that is what you want. I know she gets it, I think that is partly why I haven’t really gotten as annoyed with her as I have some other people. They’ve waited a long time. In some senses they have had a harder struggle than I have. At least longer anyway. I know I’m very lucky. I don’t struggle with infertility as far as I know. I’ve only been pregnant once and lost it, so who knows if I can carry or not, I guess we will find out, but my hopes are that our first was just a thing that happened, not something that will happen often. If that is the case then I am super lucky. I know there are so many women out there with a much harder time trying to conceive and sometimes I feel guilty about how easy it was for us to conceive the first time and then again this time. It just happened during the time we didn’t try. I wish every woman could be so lucky.
So when we got back from Thanksgiving that night I did the thing you should never do. I pulled that mornings test out of the trash. Low and behold there was a line. “No fucking way,” was my thought. “I’ve had no symptoms but some stretchy/crampiness in my pelvic region. We barely BDed this month. It has to be an evap.” I decided I would try in the morning. Of course, being the POAS-aholic that I am I figured I would use a FRER and a Wondfo. Positive. A VFPL on the FRER and a fairly clear, though light positive on the Wondfo. I’ve peed on a stick every day since because it doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel like it could even be possible. Also I’ve never had a positive 10DPO so then I got worried about a chemical. Of course that meant I needed to POAS every day, sometimes twice a day, to watch the progression. I’m still scared shitless.
I have my first beta tomorrow at my local health center. On the day that my period should come. I’m a nervous wreck. I’m crossing my fingers that it isn’t a chemical and that the line is even darker tomorrow and that my beta tests are good. I also scheduled my first appointment with my OBGYN for next Friday. I have to drive an hour and twenty minutes to get to them because of the remoteness of the state that is Maine and the area I live in, but it is so worth it. The ladies at my OBGYN are beyond awesome, so sweet, and were wonderful to me during my MC in May. I can’t imagine going anywhere else after that experience and after all the kindness they treated me with.
On that note, I won’t be at all upset if any of you who haven’t gotten your BFP stop following me. I get it. It’s hard to see others. Especially when you’re struggle has been longer and harder than mine.
Now I’m just going to cross my fingers that everything works out. I’m on pins and needles here. I can’t imagine I will be able to breathe a sigh of release until after I hear the babies heartbeat, and even then I know I’m going to be worked up this whole pregnancy. However I keep trying to tell myself that this all happened with a positive attitude and that is an attitude I should keep through out. For the most part everything is out of my hands now. Which, is even scarier.
– ❤ S.