After everything that went on during the week the Boyfriend and I had a talk on Saturday. A good one that seems to make things look up a bit. He still wants a baby, no surprises here, and he still wants to continue to try. Since the beginning of our relationship we have had two mantra’s; one for our relationship and one for our baby making journey. The first being “you and me against the world.” Basically just saying that no matter what happens we will support each other through it. Ups, downs, in-betweens. Of course we are going to fight, everyone does, but we won’t let that stop us from supporting each other. The second is “there will never be a perfect time.” Anyone who even thinks of having a baby goes through that period of doubt “do we have enough money,” “are we in the right location,” “we could probably use a bigger house,” etc, etc, etc. There will never be time when everything is 100% aligned. Of course, you do want to make sure you are financially capable and you want to be in a place safe for a baby, but even if you have those when you have your baby there could always come a point where you lose your job, or you find yourself living in a crappy apartment because that was all you could get and at least it is a roof over your head. We will do everything we can to make sure our child has the things he/she needs. Food, shelter, water, heat, love. Necessities. Of course we will want to give them more, and when we can we will, but the biggest thing is making sure they have what they need.
Long story short, we decided to keep trying even though we are going through a rough patch in other parts of our lives. We found people looking for help in a town close to here, so we can still be in a rural area which is important to both of us. He has the skills and there are enough looking that it shouldn’t be crazy hard to accomplish. Is it going to be the sort of challenge he’s looking for, probably not but it is a means to a short end until we decide where to go from here. I don’t have to find a new job right away. I can stay with mine, even if I don’t want to, until I find something that will work for me. I have a friend in the same town who knows of a couple of apartments and houses for rent and is willing to put in a good word for us. So things may not be completely up but there is at least a very small light at the end of the tunnel and continuing to focus on that light can’t hurt.
In unrelated news I found out yesterday that I am going to be an Aunt! I can’t even be sad about this one (ok I was a teensy bit sad but not for very long) because I know the struggle that my brother and future sister-in-law have gone through. They’ve been trying for 3 years, she was on fertility drugs for a year before recently giving up on them, and that is all they’ve ever wanted. My brother is ecstatic. It’s early though, and after what I’ve gone through, I can’t help but be nervous for them. Which means I will be sending out as many good vibes as possible (I’m not a religious person so I don’t think it is fair for me to send prayers or even pretend I have any sort of connection with any God who would be willing to help me out.) I’ve already started looking at baby clothes and items for them, which is not helping me because I’ve definitely found some clothes that I favorited for a later time. However, all of this is also giving me baby fever, which I didn’t know could get any worse than it already was! All I want is to get pregnant this month so we can go through all of this together! As it is, I’m already a huge source of knowledge for her. At least until she hits her second trimester. I was just short of that so I can’t say I have any experience.
With all of this though I’m afraid that it is going to put too much pressure on my boyfriend. He takes everything so seriously, and sure this is a serious thing, but that doesn’t mean he should feel like he is caring the weight of the world (or the weight of our ttc journey) on his shoulders. He blames himself so much for me not being pregnant yet (so not his fault) that I’m afraid actually trying and timing is going to put way to much pressure on him. I guess I don’t know how to make it fun when there is such a specific window to get things done. Obviously we need to talk a little more and I need to let him know that I don’t want him to feel this pressure and that if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t there really isn’t anything we can do about it. I don’t think that necessarily makes someone feel better though. I’ve told him it isn’t his fault and have tried and tried to explain that our timing just has been off but I don’t think he believes me. He worries so much about me and what I want that he just feels like shit when he can’t give it to me. I just don’t know how to make him feel better. I’m trying to figure it out though because I really just want him to have what he wants as well. It’s a battle.
So after all the babbling I am off to have dinner and think about what the hell I’m going to do on Wednesday for NBW! Especially since that is 10dpo so I’m going to start obsessing with peeing on sticks again, all be it OPK sticks! Until then!
– ❤ S.