Trying to Conceive

Ups and Downs

Just when you think everything is looking up life brings you crashing back down. My boyfriend and I finally got a lot of things off our chests, mostly his, about this whole trying to conceive thing and it is finally looking good. Like this is the month that we are going to start taking things more seriously and really trying, then work fucks everything up. He’s a cook at the company we work at and he’s been working his ass off as the head chef and keeping the place afloat and then once it is good they decide they’re just going to put someone else in their and give them his kitchen. Awesome. Sure he could stay there and work under her but his ego wont let him do that. And to top it off I was delusional. I’ve been working in the office at the company for 10 years and grew up here. I have busted my balls for them daily at very little pay without too much of a complaint so I thought I was important to them. They knew that if he goes I go, so long story short they obviously don’t care about me either. I’m being more emotional about this than I should be, I know that. Pragmatically I should realize that a job is nothing more than my services for their money and that they can replace my services with someone else, but 10 years is a long time and I grew up at this company. Literally grew up there, my mother worked for them from the month after I was born for 20 years. However, they did the same thing to her so I knew better I just wanted to think I was special.

So instead of focusing on starting a family we are focusing on where we go from here. We’ll both be there until October for sure, I may be there longer because I have the ability to be there. The question is where do we go from here? We can move somewhere else in rural Maine but in the long run he isn’t going to be happy with his job because it’s not going to be creative enough for him. We have the option to move to Portland, Oregon. We have friends there who want us to come out and stay with them, and as fun as that sounds it’s a little too city for both of us. It’s also a long way from both of our families and our parents are getting older, his especially, so we don’t want to be a flight away. We would rather be a phone call and maybe a day drive away. It’s a conundrum. We could essentially go anywhere because we both have useful skills but it’s scary. We don’t know if we’ll be happy where we go and we can’t just fall back on our parents anymore if it doesn’t work out.

On the bright side I have been talking about leaving here for awhile. I’ve been burnt out and there is no room for growth for me in my job. Also I make way below what I deserve but because I feel like this is a family to me I haven’t asked for a raise when I’ve deserved one because I know when they are and aren’t making money and things have been slow. So I’ve worried more about the companies well being than my own. Which is completely stupid but when you have an emotional attachment like I do it’s hard. Going somewhere else could be good for me. A change would be refreshing and this is a very good possibility that I would make more money. However, I’m not expecting a good or even decent job right away. I may have to waitress somewhere while I figure it out, and I HATE waitressing. My same mantra, stay positive! That’s the positive I’m pulling from it. And, as I told him, you just take one step at a time. Eventually things will work out the way they are supposed to.

On an unrelated note, I got to really get a chance to hang out with his father and step-mother this week and they’re wonderful! So until Monday, when I will hopefully be happier (even just writing this out has made me feel better so I’m sure a little more time will too.)

– ❤ S.

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