Well here begins cycle day one. Yup, Aunt Flow showed up today after a two day hiatus and many wasted sticks. I’ve actually never been late, except when I was pregnant so I won’t lie. I was freaking out a little yesterday thinking that something was wrong with me when she still hadn’t reared her little red head. Come to find out, I wasn’t the only one freaked out.
When I told my Boyfriend that she wasn’t here yet but that I wasn’t pregnant, he lost his shit. Of course we had been drinking (I knew she was coming so I didn’t feel guilty. I also knew that she wouldn’t come until I stopped worrying about her coming because the stress wouldn’t help, so drinking helped take my mind off from it.) and had recently had a long talk about how the miscarriage kind of messed him up but we never really went into a lot of detail though.
Last night I found out just how it messed him up. I realize I never took his emotions into account much when it happened because I was dealing so heavily with my own. I tried to ask him a couple of times what he was thinking and if he was okay and he wouldn’t talk about it, just stating that he was fine, good even. Now I realize he wasn’t fine. He very much wanted a baby, my baby and still does. I must add; I chart and temp and like to know when I ovulate but we aren’t necessarily trying, trying. We are more so doing the whole not trying not preventing at this point. How he feels guilty that I’m not pregnant again (again not trying and I don’t think he necessarily really understands how a woman’s cycle works. I’ve told him some things but I don’t think he really “gets” it.) and he is worried that there is something wrong with him, or that he is not good enough. There isn’t something wrong, at least not as far as I can tell and this early into our process I refuse to believe that there is because being negative won’t help the situation. I’m sure finding out my best friend was pregnant her first cycle after miscarriage while I’m going onto my fourth cycle didn’t help. I’m actually pretty sure that is one of the triggers making him feel like something is wrong.
So we talked for a while and I realized how little I had thought everything affected him. He spent so much time during the miscarriage worry and taking care of me that he, and I, didn’t take care of himself. He also thought he had to be “strong” and didn’t talk about it because it’s emotional and in my experience, that is something that guys seem to struggle with. Always thinking that not talking about their emotions is the way to be brave, when really it just makes things harder. I know it does because before the miscarriage I bottled up my emotions and refused to share them with anyone. The miscarriage definitely opened up a gate that had been shut off a long time ago and I’ve been an emotional flood ever since.
My whole point is just because someone acts like they’re okay, doesn’t mean that they are. Especially in a miscarriage. Men aren’t going to want to let you know that they think about losing a baby every day. They don’t want to tell you their scared, they especially don’t want to tell you this, and that there were scared then because everything is out of your control so they know they can’t fix it and make you better. And then to add on the struggle of not getting pregnant (again not much of a struggle in my eyes because we weren’t really trying but I also think he thinks that we were because he doesn’t completely understand) and he’s apt to be thinking that everything is his fault. And it isn’t. No one should feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders. It’s too much pressure.
With that I learned a lesson about being selfish this weekend. Or maybe not so much selfish as self-involved. Of course we could have the argument as to whether these things are the same thing (I say they’re not. To me being selfish is not caring about anyone but yourself ever. Self-involved happens when you are so involved in a particular event in your life that you forget about the other people around you. I supposed the two can interchange at times though.) I worried about myself and let him worry about me but I never worried about him as much as I should have. And an emotional flood ensued after bottling all of that up. So that is something I obviously need to work on. This has also lead to us talking about really trying to conceive. I have all the tools and know my body very well, so really all we need is for me to actually explain to him how a woman’s cycle works instead of just mentioning things here and there, and to try when the time is right, not just willy nilly as we fee like it.
Today was a little more deep than usual but don’t expect that for the rest of the week. My BoxyCharm box should be in tomorrow or Wednesday so expect a review on that. Maybe even if video review! I haven’t decided yet. And on Friday, well I have some thoughts about Friday and they’re probably going to involve a bottle of wine. You’re welcome.
– ❤ S.